5. A Repeating Problem

Recently, I took time off so I can finish a script. 2 weeks to get it done. The time went by so fast and I struggled hard day and night to do it. The whole script hit a wall. The mood and pacing was all wrong. Things didn't feel right when I was writing it either. So I had to start over. New idea, new script. Then it was doing good and it felt right. This is when I only had two days left and now I have no time to hardly work on it. This always happens to me.  Last year I did the same thing and it ended the same way. Why? I'm now 3 weeks behind and will fall farther, and with this project I can't miss the good weather or it will never get done. Most of it is outdoors and budget is under 5000 as of now. I hate this so bad. My job has held me back for so long (That's the reason why I had to take the 2 weeks.) The hours are never the same. So I can't go scouting until next week or write. I have only two hours for myself today and I can't write under pressure or writer block instantly kicks in and I loose all I have. And I can't truely scout until I have the script done. So burnt out now. I want to quit the job so bad, but I just going to cut back instead. But it takes 3 weeks for it to kick in. I want out so bad. It's the main sourse me being unhappy. I didn't survive Hell and back, so I have have someone else screw with me. I'm feeling desperate. I'm also planning on telling them that they are now my secondary job, and they must work around me. My well being is more important and I'm doing this for my better good. How am I suppose to be like nomal people if I can't feel good about myself and have something to be proud of. Some type of success. To me that's what living is about and filmmaking does all that for me. The chance to work with people, who treat you with respect, and you're not a tool to make people more billions. I've been feeling misable lately and I know why. Not being about to success and do what I want. I still feel like I'm being controled. I will find someway to be free. I have tasted the life of freedom in the 2 weeks and I want it more than ever. It's not impossible because I know other poeple who have done it: life without sorry retail work and pride in my self, and success.